So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
