the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
