I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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