it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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