Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
