My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
