Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
