I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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