She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
