I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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