yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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