If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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