Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
