Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
