well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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