Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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