I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
