A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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