I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
