Did you just see the Batmobile???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
