My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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