Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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