no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
there is glitter all over my balls
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
