I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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