I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
