He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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