where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
