she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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