Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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