Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
