you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
