i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
being pregnant is like rehab
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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