We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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