Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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