i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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