I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
