He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
