My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
