is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
