apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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