Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
