Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
