she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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