If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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