Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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