I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?