It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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