oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
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Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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