i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
