my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
be right there i have to get my cape
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
