Are we in a gay sports bar?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
